Jeeeez!!

I was originally thinking of writing about how my life seems to be kinda boring without receiving any male attention but eish I have seen the benefits of just being left alone, it became very clear today.
Isn't it funny how the people you yearn for never say a word, but other people, especially the one's who do not particularly interest jazz you, always seem to be nagging you left right and centre?
I must say, men go around acting all macho, the epitome of masculinity, yet they start whining about how women do not hola sijui nini nini sheesh grow some cahones yawa. We women hate it just the same way guys hate being nagged by women about not holaing.

The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!

That quote there is from The Big Bang Theory,  I love that show.
I hate being ignored!!!! I believe that if I call you, at least pick up the phone. If I ring you more than once and you do not pick up, the least you can do is call me back when you see my missed call. If I text you, please reply, at least within the 24 hour window, or within the same week, otherwise I will not bother trying again.
If I write on your wall, reply on my wall, or at least comment on it but do not ignore it, or I will ignore your ass till you decide to hala at me first! sometimes I take it personally If I inbox you, just be courteous and reply.
If I twit you, twit back.
It is that simple. Those are the communication standards that I live by and adhere to as much as I can.
If you decide not to hola back at me, I will of course not be amused, but I will not bother asking you why your ignoring me,  I guess you have your reasons.
I have this friend of mine punk who rarely picks up my calls or reply my texts, he makes me so freaking mad! By the way I have decided if I am not worth communicating with over the phone, then he does not deserve my attention in person, and he will face my wrath the next time I see him. do not worry its nothing serious, I am a friendly girl
You know how when you receive a text how excited you get, till you see who sent it? Then when their identity is revealed your heart either skips a beat or sinks?
If my heart sinks, and I am not so jazzed about it, I will reply out of courtesy but just not with as much urgency as if it was someone I was excited about but before the 24 hour window closes. Just do not go freaking out on me and start making funny assumptions.Be easy I will get back to you.
Anyway right now my mind is really at peace, no male distractions whatsoever, and right now I think it is better if it stays that way.

On the flipside, peep this nails, aren't they just dandy??!!

I will not be able to tweet as much anymore, due to some uncontrollable circumstances *sob* *sob* which is sad because today I marked my 1000th tweet. Anyway I will try to tweet whenever I get a chance.

xxx V xxx

Nourtney Curtado

I have always thought that Nelly Furtado and Courtney Cox- Arquette have an uncanny resemblance.

 

  

Turns out even Demi Moore looks like she sipped from the same gene pool. They all have beautiful long raven locks, intense penetrating eyes, and beautiful bone structures. Gorgeous!!

I heart Nelly Furtado's music, it is just so unique and cool.

Monica was actually my least favorite Friends character because the rest were way cooler, but she was still part of one of the greatest shows ever so I had nothing against her. She was so ruthless in Dirt, now I can't wait to check her out in Cougar Town.

As for Mrs. Kutcher, I cannot say she has made any particular impact in my life, but that husband of hers is really swell. hot!

Facebook - the best wingman you will ever have

That is according to Justin Hartfield the writer of  ' The complete guide to picking up girls on Facebook', and ebook I randomly came across on the internet one day when I was bored.
Now this dude thinks the best place to meet 'high quality' women is on Facebook forget the bar. 
This revolutionary social network has made the art of picking up chicks way easier because:

nearly every girl you want to date is on Facebook, so the selections is practically unlimited.

most women love Facebook and check their profiles at least once a day hoping that guy of their dreams has sent them a charming private message (not a poke)

there's little risk of hurt feelings because it's much easier to deal with digital rejection via Facebook than it is in real life.

 on Facebook you have the ability to prescript your questions and answers so that you can get a girl in bed without the difficulties associated with being spontaneous, funny and attractive to a stranger in real life.

So here is what you need to do in order to score at least a date a week on FB:

• Get your Facebook profile right

 The goal of your profile is to not have anything that would potentially turn off the women your trying to get with. Your profile should highlight the best parts of your personality and minimize the worst. It should showcase the your most unique qualities.
Set your relationship status to 'single', and your 'Looking for' to 'Friendship'. Include some humor in your 'About me' section. Do not least your phone number, it makes you look desperate ha ha ha. Be sure to smile and look like your having fun in your pictures.

• Make friends

 Have at least some hot girls writing on your wall every week. This can be achieved by making as many friends as possible. When you meet someone in real life, send them a friend request on Facebook that same night. Don't seek to pick up girls, seek to become their Facebook friends. wth? my facebook username is now more valuable than my digits?! Once you begin chatting on FB then you can ask for her number if you plan on meeting up.
If the girl is not responsive or your stuck in the friend zone, go through her her pictures and find all of her hot friends, and inbox her to find out if her hot friend is available. I swear ask me that and I'm removing friend!!! Apparently a woman is the best wingman, not even Facebook. Get this girl to pimp you out to all of her hot facebook friends.

• Initiating conversation

 If you come across a friend of a friend who is hot or your interested in, send her a friend request, and after it has been accepted, hit her up on her wall, and comment on how you both like the same movies, or series etc lame. Or you can create an invite only group for something you both share common interests in like 'Lil Wayne's special fans' lol. This will strengthen your bond before you ask her for her number NOT!


You can download a copy by searching for it at Free ebooks.net


My personal take is, I would never take you seriously if you asked me if I am on Facebook rather than just asking me for my number. But come to think of it, maybe that would be more pro-active and would reduce the chances of me waiting for my phone to ring.
My Facebook profile is something I secure and protect because I think it's kinda personal so all the friends I have are people that I know personally. I have enabled all the privacy settings, so you cannot see my profile picture it's too hot for strangers, you cannot send me a friend request or a message, and you cannot search for me. yeah i'm paranoid like that, utado warr??
I do not even use my real names on Facebook. I have become so afraid of exposing myself to my family like my parents, my aunts and uncles, and my workmates. I have the most insane pictures up, I have a total of 39 albums on FB, and I would prefer the good girl image the said people think I have. and I wanna talk crap on my status update.
I will not lie, if I meet a hot guy, I would search for him on Facebook but I would have a good reason, I walk around armed with a camera so I have to be his friend to tag him in his picture right? he he he
Anyway I think this whole concept of using Facebook as a wingman is just making men lazy!! Why can't you just call me? Or hit on my friends without my assistance? Put your game in check turn your swag on, and use every tool of communication do not just focus on one!
 
xxx V xxx

Vehicular phobia

Yeah I coined that word all by myself, and you guessed right, I am afraid of vehicles (I still remember in lower primary having difficulty pronouncing the said word lol).
I used to be a kawa passenger who felt nothing for speed or anything like that, but when I came of age, I was afraid of driving. I actually do not remember whose idea it was to sign me up for driving school.
I went to Rocky Driving School, a place where every single Onyango, Suleiman and Kariuki hits on you, those men have no shame. The guy who signed me up was those dudes who keep long finger nails on their little fingers yuck and he used to like calling me 'Lovely'.
The resident photographer was a slimy perv who used to talk explicitly and dig up your number in their records douche.
Imagine my surprise when I was put inside a van and told to drive the same day I signed up. My driving instructor drove a van with a serious boomtwaff that could be heard from the next street. He took me to industrial area and told me to take the wheel, I was scared shitless! I screamt like half the time.
That driving instructor of mine was just a joker, we always used to drive to his hood in Pango so that he could run errands. The dude had some mad jokes, and constantly kept hitting on me. But he took me and some of his students for Ethiopian in Garissa Lodge which was delish and pretty cool.

I still remember my driving test,
"Mtoto! Mtoto!" said the man in the blue uniform, and I proceeded to emergency brake...easy peasy and a bribe on the side and I was a registered driver.
I have a problem with my left leg, so I am not really good at balancing so manual cars are a bit of a beef for me. But those days I used to drive to the supermarket, to school when I was home alone or during exams when my mum went away when I was in second year. Nothing beats the feeling of driving to school, it is so convenient.
So last year around April, my mum and I had woken up early as usual and left the house at about 6:15 am. I remember that day I was having a cat for my Artificial Neural Networks class (yes it is as hard as it sounds), and for some reason I had left my coffee which I usually drink en route at home.
My mum is a Kenya drifter (The fast and the furious -Tokyo drift?) she drives as fast as her car will let her. That particular day it was no different. 2 minutes away from our hood, some car veers into the road and the two cars in front of us brake.
My mum emergency brakes full force but due to the momentum, our car rammed into the car in front of us which proceeds to hit the car in front of it.
I still remember the sensations that I went through so well. We used to use those masayings in compositions 'My heart was in my mouth' and it happened to me literally. I could not breathe and all my blood had rushed to my feet, it was just the worst feeling ever. Thank God my mum and I did not get hurt, but our car was messed up bad!
Of course with all that drama, all the stuff I had spent the night cramming for my cat went outta the window. My mum flagged down her workmate to give me a ride to school, and I just dotted during the cat, I scored 3/30 he he he but I saw it coming so I felt nothing.
Since that day I self diagnosed myself with Vehicular Phobia. Every morning I buckle up and cling on to the seat belt for dear life with my eyes wide shut as my mum cruises down Langatta Road ya she really does not learn. I do not really like riding shot gun and try as much not to. Speed freaks the hell out of me, as well as emergency breaking which brings me to the verge of a heart attack and I feel my blood rushing to my feet all over again. I'm a screamer so you will hear a lot of 'uuuwwwiiii's' and 'woooiii's' coming from me.
If I suck that bad as a passenger you can imagine my driving. My parents are very much aware of my vehicular phobia i'm such an idiot so they do not trust me at all when it comes to driving. My dad really tries to encourage me to get back on the wheel, so does my mum but not as much because her car is the only one I can drive so she is not very confident about my abilities.
I have driven twice this year, once after a fast paced session at GP Karting, and one other time to the supermarket 15 minutes away from home. When I'm the one behind the wheel, I drive with a heavy heart pounding extremely vigorously making it really hard to concentrate. Driving with my mum is even worse because she makes me so nervous and she screams as much as I do which really doesn't help much.
This weekend though I did a lot of unnecessary trekking, when I had left the car parked in the house. It took me 2 hours to get to my destination when it would have taken me like 30 minutes if I had driven there!
I have resolved to face this dumb phobia, grab it by the balls and overcome it!! Once I make some bank I am renewing my license and getting back on the wheel!!
As the very seksi Leonidas said in 300

Overcoming fear is strength

xxx V xx

Kids do and say the darndest things

I was such a weird kid with a wild imagination and sometimes i was just really really bored so as a result i did some very funny things.
I remember i used to eat chewed gum which i would find stuck under tables, or on beds, i can still taste that stale flavour (ewe i dunno what i was thinking). One time i remember i found a chewed melted eclair on the road, and me the dumb child i picked it up and ate it!! This reminds me of how i used to sleep with gum in my mouth and in the morning find it all tangled up in my hair.
I don't know whether i did not agree with the whole concept of cooking or something because i used to eat raw sausages, bacon, hot dogs, maybe if microwaves were there at that time that would not have happened, but that's no excuse because we had a mbotch! I also remember eating tablespoons of blueband even.
This one time i was sleeping over at my cousins house, and i had just come from playing outside the house and i was really thirsty so i saw a bottle of what i thought was water on the kitchen counter. So i take a huge gulp of 'water' and the stuff tasted horrible like anaesthetic (i was an avid hospital patient when i was a kid, and with some of my crazy antics it is no surprise huh?) Turns out it was a bottle of dry cleaning water. Luckily my uncle was a doctor and his wife was a nurse so they sorted me out, i do not remember any bad effects from that though.
I used to love eating ugali with mala when i was a kid. Now i cannot stand either of the two. At the time, nothing was flavoured so i decided to create my own strawberry flavoured mala. I poured mala into a glass and added a spoonful of jam, stirred, wacha i tasted the product of my ingenious idea....YUCK!!!!! I have never drank mala since that day!
During those pre-microwave days you either had to contend with consuming cold food, or you struggled with reheating the food in a sufuria. This one time i think i had the flu or something, and there was yoghurt in the freezer so i wanted to defrost it and drink it when its warm. So i poured the stuff into a sufuria and began heating it, only for it to start coagulating. I was so sad all that yoghurt that i had syk for had to go down the drain.
When i was a kid, i remember going to church and wondering how the bible was read because i could hear them saying 'John chapter one verse three' but i used to look at the bible and i could not tell where they were reading from so i assumed that the footers at the bottom of the page was where they used to read out those chapters and verses from and i used to like reading it to myself and feeling achoven (yes i had achieved it at that time lol )
I love club kiboko, i still watch it even today but its ofcourse not as nice as it used to be those days for Jimmy Gathu and Lorna Irungu. The cartoons were soo awesome like captain planet, transformers, ewoks, and my favorite martian. Anyway i loved that show and i was obsessed with Jimmy Gathu. I used to call ktn (227122) and ask to speak to Jimmy Gathu then hang up when he came on the line.
I had a very awesome childhood, one that i will cherish forever. I really wish i could go back to those good old days.
I have noticed that children of today are so smart and intelligent, i have never heard any of them doing some of the insane things that i did.
What are some of the dumb things you did as a child?

xxx V xxx

Bathroom stuff

There is a certain decorum which has to be conducted when your using the bathroom.
For me bathrooms are a huge deal because for some reason i pee really frequently (no i do not have a problem, i got checked and i am A okay).
Anyway the reason i am writing this blog is because i am wondering if these thoughts go through peoples minds when they are using the loo.
Men are very lucky they pee while standing, what i wouldn't do to be able to do that!! Do you know how much we women suffer when your in the wild and you have to squat down and expose your behind to all kinds of dangers like animal things jumping up to bite it, or poison ivy (does that plant grow in kenya??), all the while mooning all your spectators?!!
I saw one time on Tyra some kind of funnel thing which enable women to pee while standing, i would definitely buy that if i knew where i could get a hold of it!
During the last rally held two weeks ago in kajiado, my friends had to gather up shawls and create like walls to enable each other to pee. I did not join in on the fun, but of course i took pictures :) i would rather stay pressed till my bladder is on the verge of exploding then pee in the wild.
My guy friend was asking me why girls cant just spread their legs and pee while standing, well, that really wouldnt work because the pee would not go straight down, but trickle down your legs.
One time my friend and i were at Nakumatt Ukay where we had made a pitt stop before heading to Qs, and we went to the bathroom, but since it was just the two of us we decided to explore a bit. I joined him in the gents, and it was quite an adventure...not!!! Men's bathrooms stink especially coz of those balls they put in the urinals (ewe). He came to the ladies and the first thing he noticed were the rentokil bins.
'What's this for?'
Most people drink from the fountain of knowledge, but my friend only gargled ha ha ha
okay i am just kidding, i just had to throw that line in. He is actually very intelligent...sometimes.
So i proceeded to tell him all sorts of lies of how you open the bin and it produces water which you can use to wash your hands or wipe yourself if there's no tissue. Men are so clueless..
I heard in Japan there is a pipe that sprouts up from inside the loo and proceeds to spray warm water to wash your derriere or whatever. If you have been to Nihongo, is there any truth to that??
Apparently there is a rule for urinal use in mens bathrooms about like the proximity to your neighbour or whatever, and i was really relieved to hear that because in my opinion, urinals already do not provide any privacy at all. I bet when your peeing your just busy sizing each other up with your neighbour.
Before i really used to wonder what all the fuss women made about men leaving the toilet seat up, but it is actually a big deal. If you put it up, just put it back down when your done.
What freaks me out the most when i am in the toilet is when you flash the loo and the water starts rising! shit!!! That's so messed up but luckily it usually goes back down so the disaster is averted.
I think this post has gone on for long enough before i begin grossing you out, which i am very capable of..

xxx V xxx